How to Charm Me [During the A.M. Commute]

• Do not pull out your metrocard until you are standing directly in front of the turnstile. Then proceed to stand there and root through your bag or extra large purse for several minutes as if you didn't realize that oh, my god, they must have changed the rules since yesterday because you do, in fact, now need to swipe your metrocard to ride the subway.
• As soon as the subway doors open push your way onto the car as if you just didn't see me standing there waiting to get on the train as well.
• Lean on the pole so that nobody around you for a three foot radius has anywhere to hold on to because oh, my god, it's so difficult and takes so much energy to stand on the subway that leaning against this pole is the only thing that can keep you from keeling over to a cruel and painful standing death.
• Listen to your cell phone's cheezy MP3 player on its highest volume as if everyone else on the train is interested in hearing your music as well. Question why everyone around you is wearing headphones.
• Decide that rush hour is the best and most appropriate time to pick a new ringer for your cell phone.
• Sing along to your MP3 player cell phone. Out loud. So that others can hear just how much you don't sound like Jay-Z.
• Step on the back of my flip flops not once or twice but three times and not once notice or apologize for nearly shredding off all the skin that once composed my heel. Not even when I blatantly say "Ow."
• Stand. Directly. In Front Of The Doors when anyone tries to exit the train and you are clearly not getting off at that stop. Do not move. Do not even step one inch to the left or right. Stand right where you are and make us all go around you, because remember, it's all about you.
• Try and get onto the train at the same exact time that I am trying to get off. That usually makes for a very easy and smooth transition. Because the faster you get on, the more likely the conductor is to forget that there are, in fact people exiting the train at the same time and the less likely you are to be late for work. After all, you probably are the only one that has to be somewhere on time.
• Push me when you're trying to get in line for the escalator because remember, it's all about you. You are the only person in Grand Central trying to get to work on time and by pushing me you'll get there faster, I promise.
• Fumble through your purse when the security guard asks for ID, just like he did yesterday and the 100,000 days prior to that. Roll your eyes and say "I come here everyday, don't you remember me?" Act as if you are the only person that works in a 28 story office building in mid-town Manhattan.
• Talk loudly and obnoxiously on the elevator about your evening ignoring the five other people who, believe me, don't want to hear about what you wore on your blind date or how your weekend was "too short" or how "you just can't believe that it's only Tuesday."