It's been a decade since I had major knee reconstruction surgery. An entire decade. It's weird to think that I'm old enough to remember things in terms of decades or say "I remember when gas was 98 cents" but I can and I do. So while I sat on my couch last night watching the US Open and icing that said knee after a grueling spin class, I realized how much things have changed since ten years ago (obviously, I'm ten years older and not in high school, thank God) but I also realized how many simple things truly haven't...
• I still watch almost every broadcast match of the US Open
• I still confer with the same boy about the Open, the same boy who's now a grown man and dating my brother's [then] girlfriend, the same boy who at the time was my on-again-off-more than-not-again "boyfriend" for as much as that can truly mean when you are hardly a sophomore in high school
• My knee(s) still hurt; I still ice them; I still use frozen peas over real ice or an ice-pack
• I still miss my brother, who at the time of my surgery had just left for college halfway across the country in Colorado and now lives across the Atlantic Ocean in Italy
• My parents are still my #1 fans and supporters
• I'm still not exactly sure of where I'm going in life and how I'm going to get myself there (though I'm a helluva lot more sure than I was a decade ago)
• The end of summer/cooler evenings/darkness by 7:30 still makes me a tinge nervous and sad, even though I no longer have double sessions of tennis practice or the thought of school and homework to worry about, I just have the same ol' mediocre 9-5 existence to endure...the seasons may change but in my cube it's always florescent
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Turning Point
a better week of training, finally feeling fully-fueled, a new two-year lease thus solidifying my plans until 2009 (sigh, no chicago) leaving on a jet plane with 5 friends to head to the great lake, no work on monday, no rest for the wicked, the US open on tuesday night! chicago next weekend!
Monday, August 27, 2007
It Could be Sweet
It started off so grand, like the gleaming promise of a fresh new sketchbook, with a not-yet-cracked spine and its white pages begging for charcoal or lead or heck, even crayon to color them with creativity...And it ended with such a dull, soft surrender, like water lapping at the shoreline of a tiny, small pond overtaken by lily pads and weeds. Strangled. Suffocated.
There were banana splits at midnight. And a picnic in the park
There was a failed attempt at Romeo & Juliet tickets
The marathon rejection letter came, the disappointment followed
There was one Yankees game that was followed by 72 hours of sheer madness, the kind that makes you shake your head and say what in the f*ck just happened
There were.....a few 10 mile runs, a fantastic 12 mile run, two halves added to the calendar (one in Chicago the other in Queens) and then.....a week of terrible runs, cramps, new injuries, hope started fading; the finish line stopped being a reality and became a dream again
One wedding was in fact, drama free, and the best time I had all summer and the flights out to Denver were on-time and without delays
The new iMacs were launched, finally, and I have yet to get my hands on one...
The tickets for the US Open are for me and my friend (who is almost as obsessed with the open as I) to enjoy next Tuesday night, just a few days short of a date I want to forever forget...especially this year
There will be a Labor Day getaway to Lake Erie, there was a night of fondue followed by finishing an entire pitcher of some liquor concoction followed by...
There were shooting stars and one with a tail and lots of wishes made, which, for the record, any have yet to come true...
There were lots of other things, some of which I wish to block out, some of which I want to preserve in a tiny salt shaker to keep in my shirt pocket (so I can keep them near and dear to my heart forever), but so many of these moments have blurred together just like when you do 7 cartwheels in a row in the front yard on the first day of autumn...which is too soon to come
There were banana splits at midnight. And a picnic in the park
There was a failed attempt at Romeo & Juliet tickets
The marathon rejection letter came, the disappointment followed
There was one Yankees game that was followed by 72 hours of sheer madness, the kind that makes you shake your head and say what in the f*ck just happened
There were.....a few 10 mile runs, a fantastic 12 mile run, two halves added to the calendar (one in Chicago the other in Queens) and then.....a week of terrible runs, cramps, new injuries, hope started fading; the finish line stopped being a reality and became a dream again
One wedding was in fact, drama free, and the best time I had all summer and the flights out to Denver were on-time and without delays
The new iMacs were launched, finally, and I have yet to get my hands on one...
The tickets for the US Open are for me and my friend (who is almost as obsessed with the open as I) to enjoy next Tuesday night, just a few days short of a date I want to forever forget...especially this year
There will be a Labor Day getaway to Lake Erie, there was a night of fondue followed by finishing an entire pitcher of some liquor concoction followed by...
There were shooting stars and one with a tail and lots of wishes made, which, for the record, any have yet to come true...
There were lots of other things, some of which I wish to block out, some of which I want to preserve in a tiny salt shaker to keep in my shirt pocket (so I can keep them near and dear to my heart forever), but so many of these moments have blurred together just like when you do 7 cartwheels in a row in the front yard on the first day of autumn...which is too soon to come
Friday, August 24, 2007
I honestly don't know which is harder
listening to my head knowing full well my heart is going to pay a price
listening to my heart and ignoring that voice in my head that says "this isn't right, it shouldn't be this hard, this isn't meant to be, move on etc etc etc" (shut up will you!) and then 6 years, 6 months, 6 weeks, 6 days later (hypothetically of course) i finally admit to myself that my head was right (again) and my heart is going to hurt, but not compared to how badly my mind and my character and my soul would ache for ignoring it a second, third or...fourth time
learning from the past to be able to make these decisions easier or faster or. sigh. at all.
realizing i've grown up even the smallest bit since college, since grad school, since last fall, since...last week
listening to my heart and ignoring that voice in my head that says "this isn't right, it shouldn't be this hard, this isn't meant to be, move on etc etc etc" (shut up will you!) and then 6 years, 6 months, 6 weeks, 6 days later (hypothetically of course) i finally admit to myself that my head was right (again) and my heart is going to hurt, but not compared to how badly my mind and my character and my soul would ache for ignoring it a second, third or...fourth time
learning from the past to be able to make these decisions easier or faster or. sigh. at all.
realizing i've grown up even the smallest bit since college, since grad school, since last fall, since...last week
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Snow, Paper, A GHOST
Rain rain go away / don't come back another day/
for it cold and it is gray/ and I am sad in so many ways
grapefruit moisturizer
thoughts of a warm bubble bath and hours to waste, a bed with blankets piled high, a remote to control the music streaming from iTunes and my soft, small puppy wedged by my side
the memory of rainbow striped toe socks that almost reached my knees, wishing i had those socks today
bubbles
dark chocolate M&Ms, raisins, marshmallows and pretzels all mixed into this special trail mix my mom made me in the fifth grade
that episode of Friends where Joey appears on $10,000 pyramid and Monica realizes that her brother was her "first kiss ever"
The Shins on repeat, The Garden State soundtrack, Imogen, Rocky, Pete
deciding what to do next fall and somehow knowing that it will work itself out...or at least hoping...
for it cold and it is gray/ and I am sad in so many ways
grapefruit moisturizer
thoughts of a warm bubble bath and hours to waste, a bed with blankets piled high, a remote to control the music streaming from iTunes and my soft, small puppy wedged by my side
the memory of rainbow striped toe socks that almost reached my knees, wishing i had those socks today
bubbles
dark chocolate M&Ms, raisins, marshmallows and pretzels all mixed into this special trail mix my mom made me in the fifth grade
that episode of Friends where Joey appears on $10,000 pyramid and Monica realizes that her brother was her "first kiss ever"
The Shins on repeat, The Garden State soundtrack, Imogen, Rocky, Pete
deciding what to do next fall and somehow knowing that it will work itself out...or at least hoping...
- move to Chicago
- go back to school
- stay put in my duplex on the east side
Monday, August 20, 2007
Looking Back
3,900 miles. 8 states. 3 airports. 48 hours.
fudge, chocolate chip cookies, pies, cakes, milkshakes; commence post-beach diet...now
new VZ sunglasses
channel 30, some new rockin tunes
my best friend is married and on her honeymoon down under; how jealous am I?
my cousin is married and no longer on her honeymoon since hurricane dean struck
black v-neck dresses, red daisies, white roses, avoiding awkward situations with past hook-ups, dancing the night away with no YMCA, swing dancing as if i knew how, on your mark get set go, let me go, let me shoop to the next man in the three-piece suit..."
a sky of endless shooting stars, a 6 a.m. thunderstorm, a weekend that felt like fall
outlet shopping with my "cousin"
2 hour late-night phone calls
red rocks/Colorado Rockies/endless blue sky
tears of joy. endless. tears of joy. falling into a comfortably numb state
two are engaged! one broke her leg! one moved to Missouri! one loves a brit!
driving into a sunset over the Delaware water gap, daily beach picture messages, daily beach naps, daily outdoor showers, daily jungle juice or vodka something or other
losing in beer pong to 2 not-yet college freshman
fudge, chocolate chip cookies, pies, cakes, milkshakes; commence post-beach diet...now
new VZ sunglasses
channel 30, some new rockin tunes
my best friend is married and on her honeymoon down under; how jealous am I?
my cousin is married and no longer on her honeymoon since hurricane dean struck
black v-neck dresses, red daisies, white roses, avoiding awkward situations with past hook-ups, dancing the night away with no YMCA, swing dancing as if i knew how, on your mark get set go, let me go, let me shoop to the next man in the three-piece suit..."
a sky of endless shooting stars, a 6 a.m. thunderstorm, a weekend that felt like fall
outlet shopping with my "cousin"
2 hour late-night phone calls
red rocks/Colorado Rockies/endless blue sky
tears of joy. endless. tears of joy. falling into a comfortably numb state
two are engaged! one broke her leg! one moved to Missouri! one loves a brit!
driving into a sunset over the Delaware water gap, daily beach picture messages, daily beach naps, daily outdoor showers, daily jungle juice or vodka something or other
losing in beer pong to 2 not-yet college freshman
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I'm leaving on a jet-plane, train and automobile
- the one time a year i eat fudge
- long runs on the beach after sunset
- my dad's famous "beach chicken" salad every night and iced tea
- breakfast is alway ready when i wake up
- reading all day and all night and never having to stop except to nap
- daily naps
- a bike with extra fat tires
- sand between my toes
- screen-in porches
- the outdoor shower
- seeing my two cousins, who aren't really my cousins but we call them that anyways because they come on vacation with us every year; they are younger than me and since i don't have younger siblings they are near and dear to my heart
- red gerber daisies
- my best friend! is getting married! on saturday!
- seeing all my friends esp a certain one from DC
- open bar for 6 hours
- getting all dolled up three days in a row
- picture madness
- chocolate colored hair again
- tears of joy
- flying to denver thus acquiring frequent flyer miles (so so close to a free ticket)
- my cousin! is getting married! on sunday! (after her, i'm the only single one left)
- 7 states in less than 24 hours
- string quartets
- salt water taffy
- John's chicken and emmm milkshakes
- Taboo, Train, Scattegories etc etc
- Happy Gilmore on repeat all week long
- The Lucky Duck gift shop
- goosebumps from getting too much sun
- Banana Boat SPF 15
- ocean kayaking
- 3 books, 10 days and nothing but time
- Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel
- satellite radio in dad's new ride
- the smell of bayberries on the boardwalk
- crashing waves, sand, umbrellas, sun, family and friends; what is better than this week?
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
The Summer Suck List
trying to poke holes in something otherwise perfect
over-analyzing
too much talk; not enough action
Con Ed, Time Warner, the MTA (all of whom have drastically f*ed something up this summer)
when the subways don't run because of a flood, an "investigation", a power outage specifically in my neighborhood, a track fire, etc etc etc
fever blisters that pop up days before your best friends wedding
realising your out of milk after you've put the berries and the protein into the blender
a cell phone that shuts off whenever it wants to; mid conversation, mid day, mid receiving text message. whenever it wants, for whatever reason; cell phones that try to do too much and end up not doing anything well like say, staying ON or lasting more than a day w/o charging; cell phones that cannot feasibly last 2 years with the "new every two"
how something that cannot even remotely be my fault somehow becomes my fault; how doing a favor for someone else somehow turns into something much bigger and worse than originally thought
trying to run when it's 90 plus˚
running 12 miles when it feels more like swimming (on the hottest and most humid day of the whole summer)
giving up every friday night to go to bed early so i can get up at the crack of dawn to run before it gets said hot
being as hungry as a horse everyday all day but never having any appetite (and craving only chocolate and tomatoes)
arguing about things that can't be solved with words; arguing about the past; trying to change the past; he said/she said conversations
over-analyzing
too much talk; not enough action
Con Ed, Time Warner, the MTA (all of whom have drastically f*ed something up this summer)
when the subways don't run because of a flood, an "investigation", a power outage specifically in my neighborhood, a track fire, etc etc etc
fever blisters that pop up days before your best friends wedding
realising your out of milk after you've put the berries and the protein into the blender
a cell phone that shuts off whenever it wants to; mid conversation, mid day, mid receiving text message. whenever it wants, for whatever reason; cell phones that try to do too much and end up not doing anything well like say, staying ON or lasting more than a day w/o charging; cell phones that cannot feasibly last 2 years with the "new every two"
how something that cannot even remotely be my fault somehow becomes my fault; how doing a favor for someone else somehow turns into something much bigger and worse than originally thought
trying to run when it's 90 plus˚
running 12 miles when it feels more like swimming (on the hottest and most humid day of the whole summer)
giving up every friday night to go to bed early so i can get up at the crack of dawn to run before it gets said hot
being as hungry as a horse everyday all day but never having any appetite (and craving only chocolate and tomatoes)
arguing about things that can't be solved with words; arguing about the past; trying to change the past; he said/she said conversations
Friday, August 3, 2007
Not Just Because it is Friday
labor day weekend with the girls on Lake Erie, just bought my ticket: yee haw Cleveland
friday night somewhere new. the museum. uptown. just the girls. just some drinks. ah summer.
Brooklyn Botanic Gardens
a 12 mile run, two new rocking CDs to keep me company, a new running partner, per usual brunch at our per usual spot with my better half and all day saturday with my boy
putting my 4 years of sorority membership to good use by making a killer sign for my two friends running the half on sunday
boycotting the half because it's sponsored by Nike
rumors of new iMacs hittin the world on tuesday, and yes, i'm first in line to get one; RIP powerbook G4
a raise that finally kicked in on Thursday's paycheck
a third interview. a third chance. a glimmer of hope still to shine.
my own office. with a door (and a view)
hearing the word perfect and something I designed in the same sentence for once, meeting a deadline weeks ahead of time, a 4-day week next week
friday night somewhere new. the museum. uptown. just the girls. just some drinks. ah summer.
Brooklyn Botanic Gardens
a 12 mile run, two new rocking CDs to keep me company, a new running partner, per usual brunch at our per usual spot with my better half and all day saturday with my boy
putting my 4 years of sorority membership to good use by making a killer sign for my two friends running the half on sunday
boycotting the half because it's sponsored by Nike
rumors of new iMacs hittin the world on tuesday, and yes, i'm first in line to get one; RIP powerbook G4
a raise that finally kicked in on Thursday's paycheck
a third interview. a third chance. a glimmer of hope still to shine.
my own office. with a door (and a view)
hearing the word perfect and something I designed in the same sentence for once, meeting a deadline weeks ahead of time, a 4-day week next week
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