How to Charm Me [on a first or second date]

-Repeatedly tell me that you are broke, have no money, haven't paid your rent in two months and don't have enough to pay the IRS for this (and last) year's taxes.
-Borrow $6 from your sister (who is at the same bar as us) to buy yourself a beer.
-Do you not ask if I would like a drink, assume that I am content with water and lemon while you get obliterated.
-Allow your ex-girlfriend to tag along at the end of the date and ride home on the subway with us.
-Tell me that you are going to use the restroom but before you leave, would like to "push me off my barstool and then throw my turkey burger on top of me." Expect me to laugh at your attempt at humor. (Honestly that really happened.) Text me the next morning and tell me we should go out again because it was so much fun the first time around.
-Tell the waiter that I'm taking too long to choose what I'd like to order.
-Request that we take a cab to and from dinner and then claim you only have large bills.
-Tell me that you're allergic to my dog and therefore cannot see this going anywhere. Pretend to sneeze a lot even though every time it's obvious you are fakin' it.
-Tell me that you think my dog is annoying.
-Tell me that my arms look fat.

The best part: I'm not making any of it up. Not one. Single. Thing. Men in this city rule!

On New York City

Because of my recent Chicago visit, I find myself wondering whether or not to take the plunge, pick up my stuff and move there. Just go for it. Work there, live there. Do it. But I also find myself wondering what it is about this city that makes me feel like I just can't leave. Other than the obvious friends, family, a pretty strong comfort zone, the art scene, living 5 blocks from the Met, the East Village, the river parks, the restaurants, central park, Christmas in NY (oh who am I kidding the list goes on and on) just what is it that I would miss so terribly about this place:

• My over-priced apartment complete with a seriously leaky roof, a once-collapsed rotted leaky ceiling from leaky roof, bed bugs, windows that don't lock, a toilet that overflows maybe once a month and a lacking capable super?
• $10-12 daily lunches?
• A seven dollar box of cereal? For that matter: spending $60 on two bags of groceries?
  
• The three homeless people who rotate living on my front stoop?
• An hour and a half subway ride to the nearest beach?
• Having no control over the heat in the winter, which never comes on before it gets too cold and I have to revert to electric heaters, 3 extra blankets and sleeping in socks?
• Riding the most crowded subway line in the entire city; only having one subway line for the entire east side?
• Tourist season and trying to get to my office during the months of Nov-Feb?
• How the subway basically stops running when it's: raining, snowing, too hot or too cold?
• Standing, waiting for that subway when it's 90˚ outside and roughly oh I don't know, 115˚ on the platform?
• Subway fare hikes whenever the hell the MTA feels like it?
• My commute? But let's be serious, there's no need to re-hash that again.
• Bridge & Tunnel people. Any bar in the east 50s. Any holiday where drinking is required i.e. St Patrick's Day and the combination of any or all of the above?
• Cabbies nearly running me over on a daily basis? That one time I literally almost got hit by the M15?
  
• People in general being overtly rude, the stigma that just because this is NY you can be rude?
• Con Ed?
  
• Winter overstaying it's welcome, the lacking of a true spring and fall or that it's basically only ever three weather conditions in NYC: fucking hot, fucking cold or fucking rainy?
  

Something tells me that coming up with a list of thing I would honestly miss is going to take much much longer. Stay Tuned.

Highlights

* Two really spectacular greetings that included multiple rounds of hugs, squealing and that feeling you get when you're so happy you kind of melt inside a little bit
* Two days in a row: deep-dish pizza. I preferred Giordanos to Ginos East but either one is killer (and puts that Pizza hut™ to shame)
* A pretty sweet hotel room that in fact, did overlook the lake and Michigan Ave and had the most comfortable beds ever
* Finishing my James Patterson book
* A 5-mile run along Lake Michigan
* The insider tour to the SAIC including the kiln room, all the studios and Justin's work from his MFA show. I'll say this: the kid's got talent!
* Being in three different states all in the same night: Michigan, Indiana and Illinois and having not been to two of those three states, setting a pretty impressive record for myself.
* A graduation party in Indiana complete with S'mores and Sangria and cozies for our diet-Pepsi
* The nighttime view of the skyline from I90. We still cannot figure out why the buildings were lit up purple, but in truth, it is just as beautiful as the NYC skyline.
* Seeing the Sears Tower and having the same reaction that all the tourists here have when they see the Empire St Building. Gasp!...then a sharp, long stretch of the neck upwards. Turns out this building is pretty freaking tall (110 stories) and weighs more than every person combined in the entire city of Chicago. The feeling of innocence and seeing something magnificent for the very. First. Time.
* Barbara Kruger, Cindy Sherman, Rudolf Stingel and a little girl asking me "Is this art?"
* A 75 minute boat ride down the river and on to the lake. Chris, our guide making subtle but funny jokes that the old people surely didn't get, tons of architecture pictures and the most perfect weather you could ever ask for. Turns out also, Lake Michigan is gigantic and according to my roomie, does not taste like salt but is a whopping 44˚
* Seeing J's apartment and neighborhood, one that I could totally see myself living in.
* Wrigley Stadium, old but pretty
* Wrigleyville...like a quaint suburbian neighborhood but still within Chicago-city limits and minutes from a beach
* Trader Joes and a home-cooked delicious dinner
* Bucktown and Wicker park, the "east village" of Chicago, an old used bookstore, and a cute vegetarian café lunch date with J
* Friendly people everywhere; that's a one-up on this city for sure.
* Cheap food and drinks everywhere; that's 2-up
* Finding the first place in the country that could actually cause me to leave NYC

UNhighlights:
* Saying goodbye when you're just not sure when hello will be again

Things I'm Most Looking Forward to about this Weekend (other than the fact I've never been to Chicago)

• Seeing one of my favorite people in the entire universe tomorrow night (for the first time in over 2 years)
• Deepdish pizza-the real deal, not that crappy Pizza Hut™ stuff
• A ride in a speedboat on Lake Michigan...I do love lakes. And boats. And Cities. So the combination of all of these things has got to be just perfectly lovely
• The Tallest Building in all of the USA
• A sweet hotel room overlooking the water
• Seeing my freshman year college roommate for the first time since we graduated; she & I used to really find some trouble in the form of 7 Aristocrat [crap] vodka shots and sometimes a small bottle of Fierce Melon Gatorade. And fraternity boys. And a bad-ass rap CD. Sometimes all in the same night!
• Acquiring some more frequent miles that I love (and need) so much
• 2 hours in the sky and one new James Patterson thriller
• Riding the "L"
• Shopping the Magnifigent Mile...though it's unlikely I can afford anything on it.
• The Shedd Aquarium, apparently it is amazing.
• MCA...I do love modern art
• Seeing that "really good" art school my buddy went to by the name of the Art Institute of Chicago. You may have heard of it?
• Navy Pier
• Lots and lots and lots of architecture/cityscape pictures
• Lots and lots of laughter, smiles, hugs and surefire old-school college FUN

Much too Much

"A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes." -Twain

I guess it goes without saying that expectations outline a large part of the world we live in; both the ones we put ourselves and the ones put upon us from outside sources. The hard part isn't recognizing them or even believing in them. The harder or hardest part comes when the expectations are broken, when they aren't met, and when you realize that they were just to damn high in the first place and the pressure kicks in. And then comes the aftermath when you throw in the towel, and surrender to the idea that if you work at it, you could, if you really really tried, meet it and maybe even exceed it after all. I think it's easier to say what you can't expect from people than what you can. You can't expect people to:

• Know when they've gone too far, said too much, crossed the line or hurt your feelings
  
• Remember dates, anniversaries, Birthdays or things that may matter more to you than to anyone else
  
• Remember every detail about when you first met, how you met, where you met, what you said, what he said, what he was wearing, what you were wearing; not everyone thinks that all minor details are worth remembering.
  
• Understand that just because it's over doesn't mean you've moved on
• Understand that just because you've forgiven, doesn't mean it's really forgotten...
• Recognize that just because you no longer love someone, doesn't mean they still can't hurt you...and will hurt you
  
• Put a time line on moving on
• Realize that you can't be wrong about your feelings; after all, they are your feelings.
• Remember that different people react in many different ways to the same situation
  
• Know when to say sorry or admit when they were wrong
• Know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em
  

But then again, is this expecting too less of people? As humans aren't we socially responsible for some sort of basic awareness about the people we love, or even those we just "like." Have we come to expect too little of the people we love and too much from ourselves, or can we hold ourselves accountable while balancing out expecting a little more, but not too much from others.

Things That, Unlike [You] Haven't Ruined My Day

• Running a 5K race after work followed by dinner in my old 'hood
• A long lunch with my uncle whom I haven't seen since Thanksgiving
• Learning and running action scripts in the new Photoshop, and the fact that my computer can run these actions in about 25 seconds flat
• Finally getting my Africa pictures close to uploaded status (only 2 months later)
• The pictures from the past two weekends which both included Bachelorette parties & getting totally wasted in Miami and New York-two very fabulous cities
• Waiting for answers and waiting for the phone to ring

Daydreaming

On the beach, down by the water, water that's the color of a giant swimming pool, gentle, simple uncomplicated waves lapping at the sandy beach that's not so much sandy in color but almost pearly white, palm trees waving gracefully in the foreground, a rum drink of sorts in one hand, a real page turner in the other, something by the likes of James Patterson or Dan Brown, my sun drenched body stretched out in an old-navy bikini I bought on sale for $14.99, nestled under a cabana that's perhaps made of old palm fronds and a palm tree stump, my toes curled-up under a big plush red and white stripped towel from the towel hut, the fact that there is a towel hut where a cute boy works all day and lets me take extra towels if I need them until the sun goes down over the Atlantic creating that indescribable color, which can only be attributed to the sun God's sweetly kissing it before they retire to moon drop's mirror reflection, and as I walk back to my hotel room with a king-sized feather bed and a deluxe walk-in closet bigger than my entire kitchen in New York, with a bathroom and bathtub decadent enough for the queen, the steal drum by the pool plays Bob Marley's "Two Little Birds" and the waterfall roars and at that moment, that very moment: nothing, not one single thing seems wrong with this world.

Forever Never Ever

On a day where some things aren't making sense, and other things are becoming crystal clear, a day where friendships have been compromised and people have been hurt, there are some things that do and will forever make sense; things that in the meantime make me happy or make me believe that things are in fact, right with the world; things that, unlike ex-boyfriend drama and/or drama in general never get old...

• My dog's 5+ minute greeting now matter how long I've been gone
• Sleeping in
  
• Realizing that there's still two hours left till the alarm goes off
• Getting an e-mail from an old friend oversees or an old professor
  
• Pedicures
  
• Staying up late to talk on the phone (like in high school) and laughing about it the next day
  
• Realizing that the reason your face hurts is from laughing too much
  
• Having lunch on the lawn in Bryant Park
  
• Hearing that my dog is any of these adjectives: adorable, cute, well-behaved, precious, handsome or the cutest dog in the whole wide world
  
• Zoolander
• Quoting from Friends, Scrubs, Austin Powers or Happy Gilmore
  
• Finding money in my pants even if it is just a buck or two
  
• Naps
• Making out with random boys at bars and having no recollection of it the next day
• Having that sun-kissed glow from a short weekend in [somewhere] south of the city
  
• The rush of a post three, four or five mile jog in Central Park
• Crossing the finish line
  

This I know for Sure

• That a broken heart hurts more than any broken bone (and I've had many), and that there's no way to expedite the healing process...only time
• Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it that matters more
• If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything
• That the truth really does hurt
• The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself
• There's a very fine line between happiness and comfort, and it's not always easy to tell when you've crossed it
• That if you see someone everyday, it's worth knowing their name; people like it when you address them by their name, even if it just your coffee guy
• That it's okay to admit when you're in too deep and need help
• That settling for anything less than what you deserve gets you nowhere but hurt, and that everyone deserves to be happy
• That having a few really great close friends is better than having 15 average ones
• That exercise is the cure-all for a really bad day, week or month
• That running is far cheaper than therapy


This I don't:
• How to wait for things to pan out on their own, how to earn things, how to be patient
• How to laugh at myself
• How to not take criticism personally, especially constructive criticism
• That not everything is a race I have to win, and that it's not always about your finishing time
• How not to place blame when something goes wrong
• That sometimes it really is just about the journey
• Why nice guys usually do finish last and the bitch always gets the promotion
• Office politics, the 'situation' in Iraq, the crisis in Sudan, Global Warming
• How to truly forgive and forget (it's the forgetting part that needs work)
• How to truly and honestly be okay with being alone
• How to accept that my life may not turn out as I had previously planned

The Hit List

Songs that are getting far too much play on my iPod these last few days:

Jump Little Children, Mexico
Jump Little Children, Young America
Cary Brothers, Ride
The Album Leaf, Twenty Two Fourteen
Damien Rice, Accidental Babies
Damien Rice, Amie
Rocky Votolato, White Daisy Passing
The Decemberists, After the Bombs
Peter Bjorn and John, Young Folks
The Shins, Sea Legs
The Shins, Phantom Limb
Postal Service, Such Great Heights


Haunting lyrics that I hear in my dreams [from one of the above songs]:
"I know I make you cry, I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive without me
If so, be free
If not leave him for me..."

Tuesday Woes

It's hard to find things to be grateful for when you've just spent 5 hours in a dentist's chair having six of your teeth drilled down to tiny stubs, needles sewn in and out of all your gums and 25 shots of Novocaine (because the first four rounds of five shots weren't strong enough) The extremes we go to for that "perfect smile." Here's a very short attempt:

• A DQ ice-cream sundae with mint chocolate-chip ice cream, whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles AND a cherry
• Advil PM
• The subtle nudge of my dog's wet nose on my tear-stained cheeks
• My mother's gentle touch lulling me into a drug-induced sleep
• My dad's home cooked pasta with special vegetarian sauce (mushy and post-dentist approved)
• My mother's seemingly endless supply of Class-One drugs
• Three nights worth of missed Scrubs, but now enough episodes stored on the DVR to last me the entire night on the couch--with ice-packs on my face and codeine flowing through my veins
• Only four missed e-mails from work
• But six times that from my personal account

Thirty before 30

The opening scene to Garden State (one of my top three favorite movies ever) shows Z also known as Zach Braff sitting on a plane that's inevitably crashing. As oxygen masks fall from above and people scream and cry, Z sits amidst the chaos--unaffected. Last night I was on a plane that experienced a mechanical failure shortly after takeoff. Not to compare this with an actual plane crash or even the probability that this plane would plummet into the swampy Floridian earth below, but I didn't find myself sitting there calmly, uninfluenced by the impending doom I [could] have faced. I'm not trying to sound dramatic, or claim that I did, for a second think the plane was crashing, but what did cross my mind during that emergency were too little words: What If? Mainly what if this plane suddenly, freakishly does crash and I die? What if I can't do all the things that I wanted to or had planned to do? What if I can never tell all the people I love that I love them, ever again? And so today in keeping with the theme of "lists" that this blog has seem to have taken on, I am listing some things I hope to accomplish before I die or if I'm really lucky, before I'm 30. In no particular order:

1. Finish visiting all 7 continents
2. Run (and finish) a marathon
3. Go back to Paris and spend some time in the Louvre
4. Teach art somewhere, perhaps college. Or graduate school.
5. Reconcile the relationship I have with my mother
6. Learn to speak Spanish, not fluently, but well enough to have a conversation
7. Finish paying back my student loan
8. Sky dive
9. Re-read all the books I "read" in high school or college i.e. Great Expectations
10. Learn how to make mom's pie crust, mashed potatoes and chocolate chip cookies
11. Cook a Thanksgiving dinner
12. Touch chicken and there by...learn to cook it myself
13. Visit Yellowstone
14. Volunteer more. Perhaps volunteer abroad.
15. Find a way to honor my grandfather while he's still alive
16. Pyramids, Parthenon, Acropolis, Taj Mahal, The Kremlin
17. Watch all the movies on AFI's Top 100 List (78 to go)
18. See Bjork in concert
19. Attend a world cup, the Olympics, and Wimbledon
20. Become a certified aerobics instructor
21. Learn how to juggle
22. Worry Less
23. Swim in the Dead, Red and Black seas
24. Write more poetry
25. Get married
26. Spend Christmas somewhere tropical
27. Learn how to surf
28. Scuba dive
29. Send my parents on a vacation
30. Own a boat, a few tubes and some water skis

The 10 List

A few days ago a co-worker and good friend of mine were having "one of those days" where nothing was going right and we both needed to vent. We couldn't find anything positive to talk about, so to make ourselves feel better I forced us to come up with a list of 5 things that we were grateful for that day. We could barely squeeze out three. Today I'm pumping out 10. Because I'm just that good...and because I really do need that many today.

• It's finally warm enough to wear flip flops to work in the morning.
• It's finally warm enough to drink iced coffee every morning.
• Soon the Jersey tomatoes will be in season
• Thursday night spin class
• Rum Punch and other tropical drinks with pineapple slices
• Seeing my soon-to-be-married cousin for the first time since August
• The new Adobe CS3 which runs like butter
• Turkey Burgers
• Hazelnut Dark Chocolate bought as a bribe from my boss
• "It had to be Plum" freshly painted toe nails to wiggle in the sand

How to Charm Me [During the A.M. Commute]

• Do not pull out your metrocard until you are standing directly in front of the turnstile. Then proceed to stand there and root through your bag or extra large purse for several minutes as if you didn't realize that oh, my god, they must have changed the rules since yesterday because you do, in fact, now need to swipe your metrocard to ride the subway.
• As soon as the subway doors open push your way onto the car as if you just didn't see me standing there waiting to get on the train as well.
• Lean on the pole so that nobody around you for a three foot radius has anywhere to hold on to because oh, my god, it's so difficult and takes so much energy to stand on the subway that leaning against this pole is the only thing that can keep you from keeling over to a cruel and painful standing death.
• Listen to your cell phone's cheezy MP3 player on its highest volume as if everyone else on the train is interested in hearing your music as well. Question why everyone around you is wearing headphones.
• Decide that rush hour is the best and most appropriate time to pick a new ringer for your cell phone.
• Sing along to your MP3 player cell phone. Out loud. So that others can hear just how much you don't sound like Jay-Z.
• Step on the back of my flip flops not once or twice but three times and not once notice or apologize for nearly shredding off all the skin that once composed my heel. Not even when I blatantly say "Ow."
• Stand. Directly. In Front Of The Doors when anyone tries to exit the train and you are clearly not getting off at that stop. Do not move. Do not even step one inch to the left or right. Stand right where you are and make us all go around you, because remember, it's all about you.
• Try and get onto the train at the same exact time that I am trying to get off. That usually makes for a very easy and smooth transition. Because the faster you get on, the more likely the conductor is to forget that there are, in fact people exiting the train at the same time and the less likely you are to be late for work. After all, you probably are the only one that has to be somewhere on time.
• Push me when you're trying to get in line for the escalator because remember, it's all about you. You are the only person in Grand Central trying to get to work on time and by pushing me you'll get there faster, I promise.
• Fumble through your purse when the security guard asks for ID, just like he did yesterday and the 100,000 days prior to that. Roll your eyes and say "I come here everyday, don't you remember me?" Act as if you are the only person that works in a 28 story office building in mid-town Manhattan.
• Talk loudly and obnoxiously on the elevator about your evening ignoring the five other people who, believe me, don't want to hear about what you wore on your blind date or how your weekend was "too short" or how "you just can't believe that it's only Tuesday."