Red Flags

In the corporate world, at least the one I work in, there are no report cards, no semesters promising a fresh clean slate, no tests and no final exams. There is also no test for how well you are doing in a relationship, no grading system for how well you learn to react to certain situations and for how well you respond in times of need or in times of trouble. Thank goodness for this because right now I would would be getting at best, a D in this category. Possibly even an F.

I just had lunch with a friend in the park across the street from our office. We were discussing some pretty intense stuff about life when she told me that I am the most compromising person she's ever met. I compromise how I feel to keep others happy; I don't react the way I should; I let things go that I should really address. I suck at confrontation, often pulling my head inside my shell while the moment passes and then later thinking...I should have said this this and this. Then later comes and instead I say nothing at all. If we were grading each other in this conversation, I would have given her an A in the honesty category.

The thing that strikes me as odd about what she said (and I'm not at all offended by the way she said or what she said) is that I never thought I did that when it came to stuff that really mattered. In my past few relationships with men, most specifically the ones post 2006 breakup, I am hyper aware, perhaps too aware of my compromises. Someone told me that I had developed "red flag syndrome," a made up syndrome meaning I throw up too many red flags in situations and relations where there aren't necessarily red flags being flown. I am super aware of what I want. I throw away potentially meaningful relationships over things that shouldn't matter, but that I've made to matter. Maybe it's more of a case of knowing what I don't want rather than what I do. I have learned my lesson in that category; I have taken copious notes. I passed that exam with flying colors. Only because I failed it the first time.

As I wrap my brain around that lunch and everything that was said, I'm starting to realize that maybe there are other aspects of my life where this red flag syndrome has gone into effect. Maybe the person who said that was right after all. Maybe it has slowly overgrown the field and is creeping its way into other fields and other relationships. And if that's the case, maybe it's time to sit down with myself and conduct a parent-teacher conference where I will put down some very strong weed killer.