Nothing is Everything

I always miss things more when I don't have them. We all do. It's a fact of life. A few days ago I fell down the stairs in my apartment and banged myself up pretty good. A four hour trip to the ER confirmed that my foot was not broken, but they sent me home with a cane, a pair of crutches and an ACE wrap and told me to stay off of it for a few weeks. Telling a runner to stay off their feet is like telling an alcoholic not to drink; it only makes us want to do it more. The last time I went more than a week without running or exercising of any kind was when I was on safari in Africa and was told not to, otherwise I would risk being eaten alive by the flesh-eating animals roaming just outside our bungalow walls. Seriously.

Right now I feel restless. I feel like a sloth, like a giant waste of space. There is enough nervous energy flowing through my body to light up the city of Baltimore for an entire week. Or at least it feels that way. I guess I didn't realize how much I depend on running to keep my body in balance, not just physically but mentally. I'd say at this point it's 30/70, meaning I value the mental relief more than the physical aspect, though those who know me really well know that's a tough call for me to make. I'm trying hard to find other outlets to keep myself sane like watching movies, reading and researching. I'd like to be able to get to some museums or take this "break" to explore the city but walking far distances is still a bit painful and slow so that too, is out. The other night I was talking to my parents and my mom asked how I was feeling. When I told her I was bored to tears I could hear my dad shouting in the background "enjoy doing nothing!" That's just it. When I've got a lot going on I crave nothingness. I daydream of empty agenda days and planless nights. I daydream about walking the narrow streets of downtown with nowhere to be, no one to see and no expectations. Then when I have the nothing I don't want it, nor do I know how to enjoy it, especially when the nothing seems like everything.