My Own Holiday

"Sometimes it's not holding on...but letting go that makes us stronger."
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It's beautiful today--an almost perfect Autumn day in New York, but more importantly an almost near perfect day in my own life. The sky is clear, there are no clouds and the temperature is such enough to have lunch in the courtyard with a friend. Inside at my desk, things are getting done, projects are being finished, laughter is plenty and the happiness is written all over my face. I could not ask for anything more.

Two years ago to the day, I sent an IM to a friend that said: "I have really big news." A few minutes later when she saw it she immediately replied with her congratulations because she assumed, and almost rightfully so, that I had gotten engaged. It was only after I told her "actually no, we broke up" did she feel like a total ass. Yep, it was two years ago to the day. It was two years ago today that I became single for the first time in over six years; the first time I walked the New York streets alone, cold and vulnerable; the first time I wasn't a "we," I was just a "me." And I stumbled. For a long time. I cried, I slept, I cried some more and I hurt. A lot.

And then one day, I woke up and I was okay. It didn't hurt anymore. I'm not sure when it actually happened; that day wasn't quite as memorable as the break-up itself more so because it wasn't one day, it was an entire process of healing, growing and changing. Some say that the freedom really comes when you stop counting, but I disagree. The counting just means I recognize it. And that too, is important. I am not a robot. I am not void of feelings even if they are two years in my past. I think that if I had just turned around and gotten myself into another unhealthy and codependent relationship or shut down completely and not allowed myself to love again, I think that would have been a bigger tragedy. What I did do however, all the right things in the right order, has led me to where I am today--in this big and wonderful place in my life. And I suppose that's why I choose to act as if today is a day to celebrate. It's not so much that I'm celebrating having my heart broken or being "free" (though in a way, I sort of am) but in so many other ways, I like to celebrate it because that day eventually bridged the gap to where I am today.