The Tenth Month

I woke up this morning and realized that it's October. I know technically yesterday was the first day of October, but yesterday I wasn't paying attention; that whole September only has 30 days thing always throws me for a loop. I don't really remember October. For me it's a forgetful month, no offense to all your Scorpios. Maybe it's because October lacks a federal holiday for that long weekend or a much needed day off. Maybe it's because the air starts to chill and this year my feet are still firmly planted in August; my mind stuck back in May or June when things were just starting, when the flame was a mere flicker and the sun stayed up well into the evening's breath.

Last year I spent October preparing for the marathon. I spent it sleeping and icing and popping blisters along with Advil. This year, since I have officially opted out of the marathon due to a too-busy-to-train-the-right-way summer, I'm not sure what October has in store for me. I kind of feel like I've been given the gift of time, like suddenly there's an extra month in my year. My summer went by in a blur, like a college graduate backpacking in Europe, rubbing my eyes each morning wondering what train station I had just pulled into. I want my Fall to feel differently not only than last Fall but different from all the rest. I want to feel it all, slow and winding, like a drive on a country road through the backwoods of Vermont. But I don't actually want to go to Vermont. The last time I went to Vermont, my heart was broken and my life, forever changed. I want defiant moments that don't feel defiant until months later when I look back and think that moment, that moment was a good one. While it's happening though, I don't want it to feel like I'll remember it. I want to be fooled by my own mind. I want it to matter less but yet more. I am a walking paradox. I'm done spelling it out, each detail planned out so that every moment matters as much as the next but yet, not less than the one before. I'm freewheeling and free falling all at the same time, or at least, I want to be. Maybe that's it; maybe I just want to be free?