Geometry

The past two weeks have been painful and cut deeply, wrecking any semblance of damage control I had done unto my heart. The past two weeks have been sleepless, restless, loveless. And man, am I tired. I have a habit I cannot break, a voice I cannot speak, a love I cannot give and a heart I cannot shake. I'm stuck in the middle between what I know to be true and what I wish were true, the given, the geometry of my life. I'm caught in that crossfire between my fucking head and my bleeding heart and I wish, dear God I wish I knew the way, the answer, the road out of this mess. I cannot see a light, there is no light, none that I can see. It has gone out, the flicker that was once a roaring flame, a wildfire, has nearly gone out completely, even the wind cannot help to spread, to bold and beautify. Tell me, where is the fuel or the matches? Have we run out on this journey and most importantly where do I restock? Does it come in bulk?

I am drained of any energy I once had, of that brilliant spirit people have come to expect from me, and most specifically the laughter I once knew. It has made a grand exit and left in its place a literal puddle; water spilling over from the blue vase onto the table and down my leg. The cracks have become gaping holes that swallowed me whole, like a vortex in the deep night sky. It has sucked me dry. I am twisting and I am turning and mostly I am wanting, so much, to find the trigger or the plug whichever I stumble upon first in this seemingly endless given, the geometry of my life.