Just to Get By

The good news about hitting rock bottom is that the only place to go from there is up. I woke up in tears again, for the third straight day and after coming to it from my Xanex-induced sleep coma, dreamless and restless, the way all sleep should be when you feel the way I feel, I made it to work successfully without crying on the subway for the first time all week. I call that a victory.

Today I'm surrounding myself with my favorite things, the holiday music is blaring from Pandora® and I'm enjoying a mug of half coffee half sugar free hot chocolate as I write this. I need to procure some gummy frogs, a ball of silly putty or play dough and some plastic inflatable toys (just for the smell) and I'll have enough things to get me through till 5:00 where I'll go and have grown up things like champagne and martinis, enough to make the night disappear into a haze. I'll have my favorites by my side to share in the wallow, or the jubilation as it were. I'm not ready to deal with this like a real grown-up but I have a theory about that. It's too soon to share my theories. I don't really care. I'm doing anything I can to make it, and if that means listening to "All I Want for Christmas is You" on repeat for two hours, so be it. This day too, will end and tomorrow is a new one where I can stay in bed all day in the fetal position until I've had enough. And then I'll get on the train and go make something of myself; make something new.