Ace of Hearts

This week has flown by, mostly because for a change I've been extremely busy at work as evident from my lack of postings this week (sorry, KB) So while it's important to note that I haven't written in awhile, it's also important to note that a lot has been going on behind the scenes.

There are moments in my life where I can feel like something big is about to happen; like all the cards are in the right stacking order and at any minute that Ace is going to pop up and give me the royal flush I've deserve. These are the moments when I see it coming, when I've correctly counted my cards and played them well. There are other clashing moments where I lose track and pick blindly from the pile. Those moments are often the most fun, full of the most unique surprises and help me grow the most. But as a textbook "type A" person, these moments pretty much drive me up the wall because I can't see them coming and god forbid I don't have it written down beforehand in Sharpie on my calendar.

I woke up on Sunday morning and decided it was time to lay the cards out on the table. It was time to fold. Not in the giving up sense, more of the giving IN sense; it was time to face my fears, time to take a positive step in my life, time to make a change that would forever shape the course of my life. It was time to forgive and let go. It was definitely time to move forward. And while it was terribly scary and unlike anything I had done up to that point in my life, I did it (and am still alive to talk about it). And although there was no Ace, I still feel like I got the royal flush.

When

You know you're addicted to the Starbuck's iced-green tea latte when you're willing to borderline get your ass kicked by a Black guy with a grill whom you've just mouthed off to while waiting in line for over twenty minutes just to sip the sweet sweet goodness. For the record, he left the store and my friend and I just stood there. Baffled.

You know you're addicted to the Starbuck's iced-green tea latte when the woman behind you in line already has a venti coffee, but by the time she actually gets to the register she'll be ready for another one.

In Living Color

I save Friday as my official do nothing at work day. I would never in my right mind schedule a meeting for a Friday. I almost always wear jeans and rarely change out of my sneakers. I switch between vocal electronica, rap and oldies on the radio all day long and frequently close the door to do a little dance while no one is looking. Sometimes on Fridays I flip through design magazines or books to waste time, not because I'm particularly trying to becoming inspired as I don't like to do any work at all on a Friday. I usually clean up my desk and straighten up around my office from the hurricane of the past week that has swept through. I can't come to work on Monday and discover a messy office. It clutters my brain too much. But as I look around now my office I'm realizing it is totally and completely immaculate. All my ducks (literally I have a rubber duck in here) are in a row and I don't think I can possibly wipe down the desk one more time with a Lysol disinfecting wipe without my brain falling out of one side of my head. My office and desk are so clean because I've done nothing all week; we have no work right now. There is literally nothing to do. And I don't mean there's work that I don't want to do. I mean my boss and I are literally making up projects to keep us busy, like, reorganizing our online server and other exciting menial tasks that don't waste enough hours. Even those projects are complete. It is the most dead time of my life, well at work. The flip side of that is that I'm having the time of my life when I leave this office at 5:01 evey single day. Today I might leave at 4:50 because I'm just that daring.

Today is a totally different kind of Friday however, for today I am recovering from the best Valentine's Day I've pretty much ever had. I'm going to hire a film crew to start filming my life because between my friends & I, we're more entertaining than half the shit that's on television these days. Fuck the writers, we don't need a script. This is what reality TV really is, not that shit they pan off as scripted reality TV (hello, "Real World.") I can't really remember all the finite details, but I do know that today I am very very glad that I do not have any real work to do besides making sure that at the end of the day all my colored markers end up back in the box in rainbow colored order. I like the purple one one best; it smells like grape.

Big on Chocolate, Not on Fat

"Except nothing and you shall never be disappointed."

Smart man whoever first said that, smart man indeed. This year my expectations for my Birthday and today's Hallmark holiday were at an all-time low and subsequently have both blown me out of the water by how great they've been. It's still a bit early to say how VDay will pan out, but my spirits are high and nothing is bringing me down today. Not even an e-mail saying that a project I spent an entire week working on didn't need to be done in the first place. Nope, not even that.

Being single on Valentine's day is only as depressing as you make it, I think. These people who wear all black and rename it Singles Awareness Day trouble me. Getting that bent out of shape about a holiday designed to sell overpriced flowers, cards and candy seems about as sensible as punching a hole in a wall when you're angry. The wall can't feel pain and your bloody broken hand is only going to be a constant reminder of your stupidity for the next six-to-eight weeks. This is the second year in a row that I'm single on Vday and while admittedly last year was a bit rough, after having had a date for the ten years prior, I got by. And I will this year too. Besides, even when I did have a boyfriend on Vday, my expectations were never blown out of the water. And I kind of like the view from up here this year.

The Art of Giving

It came in a small box. I remember being scared to open it not because I didn't know what was inside, but because I did. It was obviously jewelry by the small rectangular box, the first piece he had bought me since we had been together for some 3+ years. I can't however, remember if it was for my Birthday or Valentine's day, as these holidays often blur together or get doubled up in the gifting process. When I opened it, I remember thinking it was the most unique ring I had ever seen: a large square with eight smaller squares, each of a different color representing a stone and in some cases like the turquoise, it is the actual stone. It was beautiful and artsy and unique. It was something I immediately treasured. I treasured the ring and I treasured this man for knowing me well enough to buy it for me. Never in my life (even to date) had I worn something that I received more compliments on than this silver, colorful square ring. Cashiers at the gas station convenience store would tell me they liked it; random people on the subway in NYC would comment, foreigners in Germany would say in plain English how pretty it was. It was my most favorite thing ever, not unlike the man who gave it to me.

From that night forward I wore that ring every single day. I took it off only to shower, sometimes even forgetting to take it off when I slept. That ring has been all around the world with me, missing and then found, cracked and then repaired.

I kept wearing the ring immediately after the break-up. I wore it for probably another few months, three at the most. Then one day, much like the pain, I stopped wearing it and my heart stopped hurting. The ring is synonymous with the pain and struggle I battled during the last few years of that relationship, long before it finally soured like a rotting apple and we parted ways.

Yesterday I wore that ring again for the first time in almost a year. I didn't expect that it would make me sad, and it didn't. I didn't expect that it would make me happy, and it didn't. I didn't expect anything from it. I didn't think about it. I put it on in the morning and went to work the same way I had the previous day, and the day before that. When I got to work and my friend complimented me on it a tiny part of me was still, even after all these years, grateful for that man...

Not Unlike the Soap Opera

The past few weeks have dizzyingly gone by (is that a word cause I just made it one) There was so much fun and so much laughter and time with my girls that I almost forgot the impending doom of V-day, just ten short days after the day when we celebrate my birth. My Birthday came and went and as you've previously read was the most fun I've ever had on such day, but as all good things in life do, that fun too, came to an end. It came to an abrupt end when, on the third night of sleeping less than three or four hours at a time, I contracted some sort of illness. And not just any illness. A very serious/rare/can be life threatening illness. Let me state for the record that I do get sick a lot and it seems like I am always battling some sort of something. I feel badly for my boss. But I get by. And keep on living...barely.

There are many theories as to why I am always sick but I think it boils down to bad luck. Well that and God hates me. Nobody ever appreciates their health more than when they don't have it and it's amazing to me, how, when I'm lying on an outdated plaid couch in my parent's house, how I would do almost anything to be able to move even a finger, to get up and walk around the house or venture outside the colonial colored walls. When I am sick it almost feels like I will never get better, like ever. And sometimes I really convince myself that I'm going to be sick forever, then gradually the panic sets in followed by depression. This time I stopped it at panic. I'm too happy for that depression bologna right now. I am on the mend now after almost 72 non-stop hours of fluids, Motrin, pain pills and the occasional screaming for my mom to come help me move, get up, walk...live.

And not unlike every time I wake up Saturday morning completely hungover from too much sex in the champagne room the night before and vow never to drink again, this time, I'm vowing to take better care of myself because after all, I've only got one life to live. I want to be around to see my brother's kids have kids (I would say to see my grandkids, but let's be serious here)...

...this time I think I [could be] serious.

I May Have

stayed out till 2:30 on a sunday night
met a Texas Cowboy, an LA country singer on tour and a stalker from queens or brooklyn or SI
forgotten the names of the bars
taken one too many shots, drank one too many beers, had five too many glasses of wine
taken five jello shots in the span of...thirty minutes or less
taken many. many shots of tequilla. whack!
drank champagne
had the best meal made by my friends
had quite a few dance parties
received 2 dozen roses
told everyone i met that i would slay them
gotten way into the superbowl
gotten into an argument (which i won) about kansas basketball
sang at the top of my lungs
lost my voice
sang at the top of my lungs
lost my voice
slept in till noon
slept in till eleven
showed up an hour late to work
gotten a free bagel and a birthday card from my deli guy. my deli guy!
gotten phone calls from all over the world
received a phone call from my favorite!
high fived every giants fan i've seen in the last 18 hours
talked to my long lost african rafiki
played chicken with a taxi, kicked a mini van, almost ran from an $8.90 cab ride
called Ireland
eaten cake for lunch, had an entire diner-full of people singing to me and caused a scene when I was told there was no more whole wheat toast
made some serious wishes on said cakes!
laughed my ass off all night long
laughed my ass off all night long the next night
laughed until i cried


had literally the best birthday celebration weekend of my life; no that actually did happen, the rest just "may have..."

I Heart the Internet

We're in a serious lull here at work; there is no work coming in and subsequently very little to keep me occupied between the long hours of 9 and 5(ish) My desk is clean, my office is even cleaner and I've e-mailed just about everyone I've ever met to stay busy. Yesterday I painted my nails and made vector Valentine's day cards for my friends. Yep, just another day at the office.

In honour of Friday, I spent my morning in a total emotive state watching youtube clips of my favorite television shows from the 80s and early 90s. My friend came in during this marathon session where mostly she just witnessed a giant smile plastered across my face for over an hour. My favorite part about the world wide web is just how far you can get in less than ten seconds. A click here, a click there and next thing you know you're watching an entire thirty minute episode of David the Gnome from 1991. It's just fantastic! It makes the marathon reminiscing sessions so much easier and quite frankly more enjoyable. How fun is it to say "do you remember that show Today's Special" and then the other person says no, not really (because they are probably from a household that had the Disney Channel and they were busy watching the Mickey Mouse Club or something equally awesome.) We didn't have the Disney Channel because it didn't used to be free with basic cable. I think it's much more fun to say "do you remember that show Today's Special" and when they say no you say "really, not even after you watch this awesome introduction" and then before you know it both of you are on the verge of tears because the escalator scene is bringing back very fond memories of the days of morning kindergarten and afternoon naps followed by episodes of Gummy Bears, The Snorks, Smurfs, The Little Prince or Noozles depending on what kind of house you lived in. Of course in my house it was mostly GI Joe, the Transformers and later endless hours of Top Gun, which for the record, we still own on VHS. Once I get myself together after reliving my childhood courtesy of youtube the phone rings and the request for a powerpoint deck brings me back to reality...